A Year In The Light
Around this time a year ago I fell into the deepest, scariest depression I have ever experienced. I am not sure how everything came crashing down but it did. Its common for men to bottle up their pain and let it fester until it eventually boils over into something tragic. For myself I started to have bouts of extreme sadness, nightmares and even thoughts of suicide. It was not a good time.
I did not want to become a statistic. I decided to explore alternative treatments to battle my depression. I did Kambo, which is the secretion from the Brazilian green frog and it basically makes you feel like your whole body is on fire and you are forced to deal with the pain. Next I did a San Pedro ceremony. This was a more gentle medicine that put me in a dream state in order to let my mind relax and see things more clearly. A few months later I did two sessions of 5-MAO DMT. This is the most powerful psychedelic known to man. You only produce it two times in your life. The day you are born and the day you die. It was the most profound experience of my life. I saw the other side. The ego was stripped away and for those eight minutes I was unconscious I saw love in its rawest form. It was pure energy. It shattered me and put me back together in one uninterrupted motion.
These therapies along with the help of a few close friends I was able to dig myself out of that terrible place. I am doing pretty good now and I feel healthy. Not every day is perfect but I manage. Though all of this you learn who are your friends and who are not. People who I was once very close too and who I was always there for when they needed me, were not there when I needed help.
You would think being in the world of yoga that its all love and peace but thats often not the case. There is bullying and vindictiveness. A very painful incident happened a last year when my first teacher Myya who I respected very much as a teacher wrote an email to my studio saying that I am unqualified to teach anyone anything and that I am not fit to teach. She has never once taken my class or every wished me well. Honestly she is not a very good person. Another male yoga teacher who I never met actually sent me a message threatening me with physical violence....lol....
Its funny that in Yoga the more love and respect you get from your students you get the opposite sometimes from fellow yoga teachers. I work so hard as a teacher and I also will do anything to help other teachers get new teaching jobs. I just ask for respect. Thats all I want.
I am now coming into my own as a teacher and human being. I feel comfortable in my own skin and I finally feel confident to take on any challenge. I am sure I will face hard times in the future but I will overcome them. Its what I do.